Excerpted from Act 1: Scene 5 of Kinderspiel
Copyright ©2007, Kiran H. Rikhye. All rights reserved.
Lights up. Sonja watches Max and Louisa play. From time to time throughout the scene she gets up, walks tentatively around them, writes something in her notepad. She watches them from afar and from up close, from sitting and from standing. She is unsure whether to interrupt them, join them, or observe them.
HEINRICH: It was the first night the four would spend in each other’s company. But it certainly wasn’t the last. It had been nearly eight hours since Heinrich had walked before the crowd, taken his seat, and uttered the words he so often used to greet audience: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the Kinderspiel Cabaret. The only show in Berlin that dares to entertain you by completely wasting your time.
LOUISA: You can play mine game. It’s a cabaret game.
MAX: [Involved in his own activity] I’m doing this.
LOUISA: What party are you going to be? I am the dancer.
Max keeps playing. Louisa makes herself a costume.
LOUISA: Did you come to see the show?
MAX: No.
LOUISA: Welcome to the show.
Louisa puts on a show, quickly forgetting about Max and dancing only for her own pleasure. Max continues playing his own game, glancing up at Louisa every now and then. He gets more and more involved in watching her. He begins throwing things at the audience.
MAX: Disgusterful leeches. Bourgeoitical pigsties. Is you thinking to come watch this real and disgusterful show of lies? Stupid uglinesses! [Brandishing an object] I’ll kill you with this!
LOUISA: Stopen your interrupturing my show.
MAX: I’m the yeller. Who is yelling at all the audiences and telling them they is
stupid.
LOUISA: Good ideases! But did you know I am supposed the dancer and the
yeller?
MAX: No.
LOUISA: I think that’s the way it’s to goes. I’m sorrily. You is the watcher of the show.
Max watches unenthusiastically. Periodically he pokes at one of his toys.
LOUISA: That is the worst watchering of my lifetime. Be exciterous.
MAX: Oh, marverful. Oh, I love this dreadly boresome show.
LOUISA: Gooder. Try hardlier.
MAX: If I is so exciterous then I must have to be a tourist.
LOUISA: Tourists is lovening my show.
MAX: And I love being a tourist and I am very loud. I will give you this money and you will give me a
very bad thing.
LOUISA: I will give you sexy.
MAX: And for that I will pay you more hundredy dollarses!
LOUISA: Are you from America?
MAX: No.
LOUISA: Where are you from?
MAX: Scandinavia.
LOUISA: What babble does you speaken?
MAX: French. And another language.
LOUISA: I speak a hundredy languages.
MAX: No.
LOUISA: Yes I do. I speak French and German and Italian. And Switzerland and Finland and
Hungary and Fish and seventy-five other languages .
MAX: Actually, I’m from America. Stop askening questions, because I have all the money. I am a businessman. That is meaningful I do business. I do business. It is dreadful hardly, but I can’t not stop. Because that is my job. To be doining business.
LOUISA: Watchen my dance and you’ll feel very good.
Louisa starts dancing.
MAX: At my house we have roast beef four times every week.
LOUISA: Watch me!
MAX: Roast beef is not so goodful as your dancining. Oh. Heaven my heaven! Heaven sweet Jesus of God! Delightly dancing, girly! Oh! Oh! So filthiful dancing. Don’t comen too close to me, dirty whoresome girly. Oh! I love this and I…Oh! I’m afraid afraid afraid of see-ening all the dirtiest things you’s doing. Here. Take my money; you’re too poor. I have so much.
Max gets distracted counting his money. Louisa keeps dancing. She finishes her act.
MAX: Taken me to your house.
LOUISA: Not yet.
MAX: I say so. Is this your house?
LOUISA: Fine. In here is the couch and there is the room where we keep the animals.
MAX: At my house, we have a maid. My wife tells her what to do and she is a gem.
LOUISA: This monkey was sleepening in the room, and I was patty-ing mine shoulder and then was she
hoppening on, and sits on my shoulder like a good little frog-face monkey thing, and she is so wonder soft. Feel you her.
MAX: But I am uprighted and have childrens. Many childrens. Not too many childrens. Just enough. Seven. More than seven is disgusterful. Only poor people is having so many childrens. I made all of my childrens on purpose. Do you hab more than seven childrens?
LOUISA: Yes, I do.
MAX: I would like to see them naked. Can I pay you for that?
LOUISA: Naturfully. Here comes the baby…Now she’s going to do a naked dance. Holden my monkey.
She takes an imaginary monkey off of her shoulder and hands it to Max.
MAX: Your monkey is not real.
LOUISA: I tooked him from the animal room. I tooked her from her bed; she sitted next to the turtle, and
he rides on my shoulder all the days of the week. Now holden her. Now here’s the baby. Ready…go!
Louisa plays the role of the baby doing a naked dance.
LOUISA: Goo goo. Is you watching?
MAX: I is, I is. Your little childs dancening are so delightful. So dirtyful and marvelous! Now where
is the naked? You have to get all naked because I am an American and I work hard.
LOUISA: There’s no more dancing. Given me my girl.
Louisa takes her monkey. She reclines, relaxing, and strokes it.
MAX: This is stupid. I’m going back to my hotel now. [Talking on a telephone] Hello, front desk? I would like to order dinner. At home I have roast beef, so I’m going to have roast beef here because I can afford it. And today is my birthday, so the Philharmonia Orchestra next door is coming with all their instruments to sing me a birthday song. Yes, I bought them with all my American dollar monies. Yes, I am rich here! That is why I am so happy! Send me five bottles of champagne and two brunettes. Now I’m calling my real house. Ring ring!
LOUISA: Hello?
MAX: Hello, honey.
LOUISA: I am American!
MAX: Me too.
LOUISA: How is your tripsy?
MAX: Horriful! The thingses I is seeing here! Did you know, there is people who is selling little childrens?
LOUISA: No!
MAX: Yes! And there is people who is doining dances!
LOUISA: Not posserful!
MAX: Yes! And there is in this hotel, where so all the fancy respectfulable trabellers are staying, that you can call down the desk and they is sending up not just breakfast and drinkses, but boyses and girlses for…I can’t not even say it!
LOUISA: No, no, no!
MAX: I cannot wait to come home to a decently good place. How is you?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the children?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the maid?
LOUISA: She is a gem.
MAX: How is the cook?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the roast beef?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the house?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the yard?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the car?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the street?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is the neighbors?
LOUISA: Good.
MAX: How is their childrens?
LOUISA: Seven.
MAX: Does you have enough pretty dresses?
LOUISA: No.
MAX: I am rich here. Goodbye.
LOUISA: I have to do a show now.
They hang up.
LOUISA: Now is the next little dancininng child going to do her show.
MAX: No no no! Oh most dreadliest sinful awfulness! Show it to me! Show me all your naughtiest
dancining baby childrens!
Louisa begins dancing.
LOUISA: Now I’m seven.
MAX: Oh, nakedful disgusterly beauteousness! Oh, I can’t not standen any more!
LOUISA: This is dreadly boresome. I can’t not even think of my dance with you all
noisyful and not payening attention to me.
Louisa begins a new game; she pretends to wash herself and apply makeup.
MAX: Marverful pattyfacing dirtyful beauteousness! Oh!
LOUISA: Stop it.
MAX: Oh oh!
LOUISA: I’m not doining any shows. Watchening is more better and I do the best thing. Now everyone here is watchening like a tourist.
They sit.
LOUISA: [Pointing at something] Watchen that.
They watch it.
SONJA: Hello.
A long pause.
MAX: I’m Max.
SONJA: Yes, I know. It’s so nice to meet you. I’m Sonja Graff. I wrote a piece on you last week—you probably don’t remember me. I’m working on a follow-up piece. I wondered if you could give me a moment of your time for a brief interview.
LOUISA: Oh, but of course, dearful. Of courserfully. Today we are giving all the interviews, because today I am marvelous. I would loving to talken to you. But. Here is the conditions. You is holding my monkey. Here she is sittening on your shoulder. Talken your head. Go.
SONJA: Terrific. First things first, could I ask how you two met?
LOUISA: Oh, darlinghead, you is askening all the most silliful questions! They is so hardened for me to answer. We meetened all the days of the week. First yesterday, then tomorrow, also today, and I think one two days next weeks. Isn’t that right, Maxie-head?
SONJA: And when you meetened for the first time, when you had never before meetened in your whole lives—was that a very, very long time ago?
LOUISA: We meeted so many days ago. And one day I was doening a dancy. Did you know I dood dancie all the time?
SONJA: I understand you dood it before you founded the Kinderspiel Cabaret. And did you and Mr. Haussman meeten when you were still performing as a dancer?
LOUISA: Here now I am the star of the show and you is payening attention to me because I am very full of gracelyness and having short red hair. So. Now I am the one you is saying the interview, because I am the boss, and have beautiful all over myself, and you is telling all the questions that I want you to. Ready, go. Question one: Does you like to dancen?
SONJA: No.
LOUISA: [Taking notes] You are not a dancer.
SONJA: No, I’m a writer. I like to see other people dancen, and I like to write-en about it. I’m writing all sorts of articles for a magazine. That’s why I was interested in writing about you. You seem to have become quite the sensation, haven’t you? Some might even say you’ve had more success as a Kinderspieler than as a dancener? Why is you imagining that is?
MAX: One day I was a tourist and I camed from America.
SONJA: I come from the Weltbuhne every day. That’s where I’m writerful. May I ask what you do, Mr. Haussman, when you is not here at the club?
MAX: Why is you writerful?
SONJA: It’s my job.
MAX: What’s the pointy?
SONJA: It’s not pointy. It’s round and squishy and iridescent. You sleep ‘til noon, then go out and play and all you have to do is write a little something up about it and they call it work. It’s a hell of a lot better than editing—that goes without saying, doosn’t it? I used to be an editor. What about what you do here? Would you call that “pointy?”
MAX: Here. We is never doing pointiest thingses of that. Fooly questions.
SONJA: Would you describe it as rounder, then?
MAX: Yes.
SONJA: In what sense-y?
LOUISA: No!
MAX: What?
LOUISA: Stop talking, horriful murderess thing. You never is should be allowing in here! Oh, he’s
deadful, deadful, deadful. The deadliest monkey that ever lived on this planet of sadness. [To Sonja] Yes, you is knowful of what you has donned. You maded him dead.
SONJA: [Throughout the rest of the scene, Sonja continues discreetly to take notes]
The monkey? I thought he was on my shoulder. She. I’m so sorry. I thought…
MAX: I knowed you was bad.
LOUISA: And you was never payening attention to me or my monkey and now it is dead.
SONJA: Oh I’m really so sorryful. I fully am.
LOUISA: There he sittened all comforly and lovening you. And then you is kicking him down and he is
falling so far, far to the ground and all his little brainlings is smattered there.
MAX: Eugh.
SONJA: I’m so terrible sorry. I had no idea.
MAX: Clean it.
SONJA: Of course I will.
[She does so]
SONJA: Would it help if we buried it?
LOUISA: Yes. But I am singing the song.
Louisa sings as Sonja buries the monkey.
MAX: Now maken an epiphany.
SONJA: An epiphany?
MAX: For dead monkeyface. Sayening how wonderuseful was its lifelyhood.
SONJA: A eulogy?
MAX: A eulaniny. And we will be mourning and afternoon and cryening all sadful.
SONJA: Of course. Of course, I’d be happy to. Well…not happy…[She begins her eulaniny] Monkey…was…
LOUISA: [Correcting her] Monkeygirlboything.
SONJA: Monkeygirlboything…was a very good monkey. Girl boy thing. I didn’t know her him it very well, but in the short period of our acquaintyance, hesheit sittened upon my shoulder, and was a good monkey, and there were we lovening each other, even though we mostly did know each other notted. Mayhap ironical is…
Max and Louisa, who have been so moved by Sonja’s eulaniny that they have begun to cry, now begin to wail.
Anna enters with a broom. Max and Louisa stop crying. Sonja takes out her notebook and retreats to a corner where she watches and writes.